Some of our children have conditions that make them more likely to have behaviour problems. Even needs that are not directly related to behaviour can have an impact; children that are struggling with learning or communicating will often express this by acting up. In fact this is sometimes the first clue there is a real problem.
Lots of parents will also experience other people criticising their parenting or judging them and their child because of their behaviour. This can be from those close to us, members of the public or even professionals we see about our child. We may find it hard to work out ourselves what is ‘normal’ bad behaviour and what is down to our child’s additional needs.
I find I am treading a fine line. I feel awful that I was too hard on him when he was little because I didn’t know he had those extra needs and I thought he just wasn’t trying. But I don’t want to let him get away with things just because he has a label now. I’ve got to help him learn that some things aren’t OK. So every day I am picking my battles, pushing on some stuff but trying to be realistic and kind too. And then you have to try not to take it all personally of course.
There are things that help with behaviour that are worth everyone trying. Read our tips below for getting to grips with this issue and getting more help if necessary.
Tips for dealing with behaviour problems
- Don’t waste energy blaming yourself. Put your energy into helping your child with their behaviour instead. If you are sure your child has special needs don’t be fobbed off by people who tell you it is all down to your parenting. Keep looking for answers. But this is not a reason not to do everything you can to help your child with their behaviour too.
- Have a handy statement about behaviour for when you are out and about. Some parents find it helps them to have a sentence they always use to explain that their child has special needs, something like ‘I know his behaviour is unusual. It is part of his special needs’. This can save you both time and discomfort.
- The principles of good parenting are the same for all children: love, attention, fun, discipline that is firm but fair. But making changes with behaviour can take longer when your child has additional needs. Be patient and persistent. Think about what is reasonable to expect at your child’s age and developmental stage. You may have to take small steps or focus on just one or two issues at a time. Act the part of the calm, in control parent even if you don’t feel like this on the inside. And remind yourself on the tough days that giving in to your child is not being kind, helping them learn and grow is kinder.
- Remember the basics. All children behave worse when they are hungry, thirsty, uncomfortable or tired and they can’t always tell us directly. Sometimes tricky behaviour may tell us other things too, for example that our child is anxious or scared or finds a task or situation difficult. If your child doesn’t communicate verbally you’ll need to be extra alert to this.
- Be clear with your child about what they need to do to be ‘good’ in any situation. Think about how you tell them what to do. Are you clear? Keep instructions short and simple. Do you get close to them and get their attention? Give them enough time to take in what you say. Would a sign or picture help? Some children benefit from visual timetables.
- Have some simple family rules that apply to everyone, parents included. It can help to put them positively, e.g. ‘speak nicely to each other’ rather than ‘no shouting’. Involve the whole family in choosing these rules. You could draw pictures or write them out together to stick them up in the house.
- Reward the behaviour you want to see more of. This sounds obvious but often we ignore good behaviour and give lots of attention to the less good. Catch them getting things right and tell them so. Work out what your child finds rewarding and use that. This doesn’t mean a trip to Disneyland! It could be an extra bedtime story or their favourite DVD. Praise and attention are best for most children but some disabled children don’t respond strongly to these and need more concrete rewards.
- Keep them busy at home and out and about. Have plenty of appropriate things for your child to do and things up your sleeve for problem moments like when the phone rings. Some children behave much better if they get a bit more exercise. Activities that make your child feel successful or like they belong to something are worth their weight in gold. See the Leisure section for ideas. Be prepared to keep trying things to find what works for your child.
- Plan ahead. If you know they will find a situation tricky make sure you have a snack and something to do. Can you plan a reward on the way home if they behave well? Lots of children find change (big and small) difficult. Think about how to warn them that a favourite activity must end or that their normal routine will be disrupted.
- React quickly, firmly and consistently to problem behaviour. Use consequences that you know you can and will follow through. It can work better to actually take away a toy for five minutes than threaten to take it for five days. Focus on the behaviour as the problem not the child and avoid saying things that are hurtful rather than helpful. Aim to use responses that help children learn to do better in future e.g to calm themselves. Angry responses like shouting can seem to solve things in the short term but bring more problems in the long term. That’s why people may suggest to you ideas like reward charts and time out. These can really work and it helps to find out how to do them most effectively.
Where to get advice and support with behaviour issues
- Make use of any parenting advice on offer. For younger children try your local Children’s Centre. Websites like Family Lives and Netmums have information and the chance to ask other parents for ideas. There are some great books on parenting and some about behaviour and specific needs such as ADHD or ASC. Try the library. ParentChannel.TV is a website with a series of short videos you can watch on line that cover parenting from toddlers to teens. Lots of parents have watched Super Nanny. Some of her approach is over-simplified to make it fit a TV programme, but again the website has more detail. Share ideas with your child’s school or pre-school about what works at home and at school. Find out who is best to ask. It could be the SENCO or class teacher or perhaps someone else in school such as a learning mentor. If you are in contact with family support services or community CAMHS workers try them for advice.
- Find out about parenting courses such as Triple P and FAST on offer locally. Find a list of current courses on The Parenting Team page on the Brighton and Hove council website. Nearly all the strategies covered by these courses will apply to your child even though they have additional needs. Amaze runs Triple P parenting courses that are especially for parents of children with special needs. For parenting courses coming up soon, visit our events page or call our helpline to see if there is one coming up. You can also download a leaflet all about courses for parent carers on the Training and Groups page of our website.
- If your child is at a special school, you can ask the school for advice.They have a lot of expertise in managing children’s behaviour and sometimes run advice sessions for parents where they work to share this expertise. If your child has learning difficulties and challenging behaviour you can get specialist support and advice from the CAMHS Learning Disability team located at Seaside View and The Aldrington Centre, Hove. This may include one to one advice at home. Call 01273 718680 to find out more.
One of the hardest things to cope with can be the lack of understanding from people we meet, especially when our child has an invisible disability. Some parents find it helps them to have a sentence they always use to explain that their child has special needs, something like ‘I know his behaviour is unusual. It is part of his special needs’.
Finally, no-one should struggle on alone with behaviour and parenting worries. This is one area where it important not to be embarrassed to ask others for ideas and support.
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